The Impulsion of Living

All or nothing. That’s everything I’ve ever known. I have always ran into being at a pace that makes my heart sweat. When I booked Cambodia, it was the impulsion of the atypical that lured me in. I looked it up, and not even in detail, and the next week it was booked. Last night I knew there was a bus at 11, that I absolutely had to be on. So I’m sitting trying to book it at 7, and the words “no availability” keep filling my screen. After a lot of frantic scanning, there is one seat left. One seat that now has my name on it. And I know there’s a lot of people that can’t understand life this way and it has made some situations more difficult for me but for some reason, that I don’t understand, the madness calls me home. I’m eccentric and intense and passionate and my life mirrors that. It’s never A to B with me but the roundabout way I usually have to go, takes me to some amazing places and feelings.

I live a lot of my life overwhelmed and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I throw my whole self into everything I do. I don’t know how to be anything less than a hundred. All or nothing. And this lump in my throat, caused by life and how insane it can be, has thought me how to feel and experience on an elevated tier. I spoke about the “why Cambodia?” in my last post and it’s still one of the most asked questions. I didn’t know for a long time why I was falling so hard for this place. And I think I know a little bit better now. It’s not just this place, it could be any place and I think I would feel the same. And that’s not to scorn Cambodia; because The Kingdom of Wonder has set up camp in a special space in my heart. But I mean in living the way I do, I always seem to land on my feet. I’m in love with the feeling of this place or any place. In love with the experience. In love with my freedom. And apparently, the world has noticed. I’ve had a lot of people reaching out to me lately (something that I am incredibly grateful for), telling me that they admire what I’m doing. People are telling me I’m impacting them but I’m just living. All I’m doing is what I know; life my way, welcoming the wild unknown.

To any logical person, I know I’m not living right but it fits for me. So I’ll keep the impulsion of living alive; booking buses at the last minute and very nearly missing them, getting up and going when the feeling strikes, getting myself into some questionable situations, living free. I stopped being afraid when I realized that the universe always has a plan for me. So I’ll follow that and I’ll follow my feeling because so far, it has brought me breathtaking moments and some incredible people along the way. And for me, that will always be everything.

 

Table for One, Please.

There’s this moment of pure, unconcealed confusion when I smile at the waiter and say “table for one, please”. “Only one?” is usually the shocked response. And I’m familiar with that shocked response; I got the same one, a hundred times over, when I told everyone back home “Yes, Cambodia. Yes, on my own”. Because we’re a world of fan-pages for celebrities’ relationships, we’re rom-coms and thinking we can’t exist outside of another. And I know, one of the most powerful energies in the universe is people, together. But there’s also beauty beyond words in a life unchaperoned. When you stand out in the world, at bliss in your oneness, you evolve.

Every Monday, I am greeted by smiling faces, with the ritual “what did you do with your weekend, teacher?” After telling them, the recurrent answer is “you’re so brave, teacher”. But I’m not brave; I’m restless. How could I ever rest in a world where who and what we can be, is not even invented yet? How can I rest knowing that I can do or be absolutely anything in the universe? And I refuse to lie dormant because others don’t want to join. We infinitely limit ourselves with the belief that life begins with another. Life begins, first and foremost, the moment we tune in to it. When you realize that your life isn’t accident or coincidence, you start to live better. What happens to you, where you go, what you do; it’s all on you. So why are we all overflowing with fear?

Why don’t we sit at a table for one and smile, instead of pretending we’re waiting for someone or putting our head down? Why can’t we be as excited to say we’re single as we are to say we’re engaged? Why can’t we stand up and be the badasses of our own lives, without waiting for someone to rescue us? Because what we’re not told, what’s not in the fairytales, is that nobody is. Nobody’s coming in on a white horse. We’ve got to ride it out ourselves. We’re teaching women everywhere that their importance relies on a question, on a “will you be my girlfriend?”, a “will you be my wife?”. You don’t need someone to be someone. But we’re implanting this fear of solitude to keep people rooted in never pursuing their power. Fear is what keeps us immobilized in ordinary. You need to welcome fear. You need to seize seclusion.

And I’m not a cynic. Life was made from love and was made to be lived in it. But the reality is, you can only meet people as deeply as you’ve met yourself. When you fill your time with you, solo, the time then spent with others transcends everything you’ve known- when you’re better, your relationships will be too. We need to know we can live outside the lines. We need to stop clasping on to the detrimental and the entrapping, just to have somebody by your side. Stop fearing oneness. Ask for a table for one; and own it. Buy yourself flowers. Book a flight with one seat. Dive into the part of yourself, the world told you doesn’t exist. And just see, first-hand, the level of enchantment that comes to fruition with your evolution.

The Safety Trap.

I’ve never been ballsy. I never crossed the road without the green man. I wouldn’t walk on street cracks or over four drains. I never looked at a magpie without dreading the bad luck they bring. Like so many people, I was comfortable. Always chasing safe. We’ve become so good at walls and barriers in the illusion of safety. But the walls and the barriers don’t keep danger away; they keep life away. Your transformation won’t come if you choose to stay in your cocoon. Things don’t change until we do.

So I had to change. Because I wasn’t made for a life of fear, a life of watching where I walk, a life of looking down and not looking at the sky. I wasn’t made for not knowing freedom. I was made for leaping into life and all her magic. So I jumped on a plane (a few actually, including stopovers), out in the world, solo. People always talk about ‘safety in numbers’ and yeah, sometimes it’s necessary, but nothing in the world compares to living your freedom and knowing it’s scary but you’re out here and you’re doing it. I’ve surprised myself a lot in the past week; venturing past the limits of the barriers I created. I checked into a hotel without nobody’s hand to hold but mine. I wandered into the desert in Dubai, completely on my own with a man I’ve never met. I took the handle bars of a quad, when I’ve only known being a passenger. I drifted around the hustle and bustle of the streets of Phnom Penh, my new home for the next few months. I’ve spent a lot of time on my own, out in the unknown doing things deemed unsafe. But I’m in a place I’ve never been before, doing things I’ve never done, feeling things I’ve never felt; my freedom is here in the flesh. I’m on a new level of life, that only came from releasing myself from the safety net I was captured in.

I met a woman on the first flight and we talked about life. She spoke of her small ‘safe’ town up North. This ‘safe’ town that tossed her out on the streets in her time of need. This ‘safe’ town that she was raped in. Safety is an illusion to keep you blind from being alive. We all want to be safe but no matter how any layers of bubble-wrap you cover yourself in, it’s never guaranteed. So you might as well make the jump from comfortable to where you actually want to be, despite the danger. Life was never made to be straight and narrow. It was meant to be wild and open to wherever you wanted to take it. You can walk through life with your eyes closed to the dark but you need to accept that you’re closing your eyes on the light too. Life in comfortable, is accepting a medium level of life. And if that’s all you want then yeah cool, enjoy it but there is so much world out there, so much life that you don’t know what you’re wasting.

I can stand up and say that I actively chose my life. And I can say that I would do it a hundred times over. The path has been mucky and uneasy sometimes but I don’t regret a single thing that has led me to liberation. Because this feeling; of release, of power is the compass leading me in the direction of my soul. I’m proud of the person I’ve become because I had to fight to become her. I had to be the least independent person, anchored down by the weight of her fear to unravel the layers of my cocoon, so I could fly openly into the arms of freedom.  Out into the beautiful world of unsafe.

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