The Impulsion of Living

All or nothing. That’s everything I’ve ever known. I have always ran into being at a pace that makes my heart sweat. When I booked Cambodia, it was the impulsion of the atypical that lured me in. I looked it up, and not even in detail, and the next week it was booked. Last night I knew there was a bus at 11, that I absolutely had to be on. So I’m sitting trying to book it at 7, and the words “no availability” keep filling my screen. After a lot of frantic scanning, there is one seat left. One seat that now has my name on it. And I know there’s a lot of people that can’t understand life this way and it has made some situations more difficult for me but for some reason, that I don’t understand, the madness calls me home. I’m eccentric and intense and passionate and my life mirrors that. It’s never A to B with me but the roundabout way I usually have to go, takes me to some amazing places and feelings.

I live a lot of my life overwhelmed and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I throw my whole self into everything I do. I don’t know how to be anything less than a hundred. All or nothing. And this lump in my throat, caused by life and how insane it can be, has thought me how to feel and experience on an elevated tier. I spoke about the “why Cambodia?” in my last post and it’s still one of the most asked questions. I didn’t know for a long time why I was falling so hard for this place. And I think I know a little bit better now. It’s not just this place, it could be any place and I think I would feel the same. And that’s not to scorn Cambodia; because The Kingdom of Wonder has set up camp in a special space in my heart. But I mean in living the way I do, I always seem to land on my feet. I’m in love with the feeling of this place or any place. In love with the experience. In love with my freedom. And apparently, the world has noticed. I’ve had a lot of people reaching out to me lately (something that I am incredibly grateful for), telling me that they admire what I’m doing. People are telling me I’m impacting them but I’m just living. All I’m doing is what I know; life my way, welcoming the wild unknown.

To any logical person, I know I’m not living right but it fits for me. So I’ll keep the impulsion of living alive; booking buses at the last minute and very nearly missing them, getting up and going when the feeling strikes, getting myself into some questionable situations, living free. I stopped being afraid when I realized that the universe always has a plan for me. So I’ll follow that and I’ll follow my feeling because so far, it has brought me breathtaking moments and some incredible people along the way. And for me, that will always be everything.

 

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