The Powers that Be.

Just be, I tell myself as I’m a million miles away. Sipping my coffee this morning with an accelerated heartbeat, that has nothing to do with caffeine and everything to do with standing somewhere in the world, deciding which way to go. My mind has blossomed in the last three months, in ways that I don’t even fully understand. But one way I do, is that I look around and be fully where I am. I’ve gotten good at it and found my peace in it. But this is where the split of mind tests me. I’m standing, people-watching as always, in a place I love but I’m not here. I’m already back at the place I call home. I’m fast-forwarding three weeks, three months, a year. Spiralling.

“What’s going to happen?” “What will I do?” “Will the people that were there when I left still be there when I return?”.

I always knew I would come to this mental deadlock for one of two reasons; 1. I would come to Cambodia, absolutely hate it and not live here but be at home in my mind, counting the days until I return. Or 2- the reality; I would come to Cambodia, fall completely in love with where I am and feel conflicted to leave this place but also long for home. I have been here. Really and completely here. And I think that’s why I’m drowning in adoration for this place; I have been here. Each Tuk Tuk ride, I am only existing, smiling, in that moment. I’m not worrying about where I’m going or what comes next. I’m just existing. I have learned that a life lived mindful is much easier to comprehend than a life with a mind that’s full. I found a calm in this chaos, like no other.

This was somewhat inescapable as the sun started to set on my time in the Kingdom of Wonder but I know it’s driven from fear. The boundless fear that time is running one pace quicker than I can. And I know, this feeling is temporary because everything is temporary. But as I am within and without; hugging the people of home and smiling at strangers saying hello in Phnom Penh, I’m not winning because I’m not existing in either. I’m not in Ireland, holding loved ones with one hand and a cup of tea in the other. And I’m not technically, in Cambodia if I’m only here in body.

But as I’m having this dualism of my mind, I’m proud of the seeds I’ve sown. The fruit of my mind is sweet and I’m no longer poisoned by it. As I said, I have learned each day to be more in the moment. Every moment has brought me more to myself. Each day, a new version of myself. So I can smile at the person I’ve become. Because although she’s fighting time now, she still has the awareness that time is a concept we created. And as fear flows through her veins, she knows that all good things are on the other side of that. And although she may not feel how she would like to, she knows that this is fleeting. And as she is torn between thinking of the green grass of home and the craziness that Cambodia has shown, she has learned, and will continue to learn, how to

just be.

 

 

Table for One, Please.

There’s this moment of pure, unconcealed confusion when I smile at the waiter and say “table for one, please”. “Only one?” is usually the shocked response. And I’m familiar with that shocked response; I got the same one, a hundred times over, when I told everyone back home “Yes, Cambodia. Yes, on my own”. Because we’re a world of fan-pages for celebrities’ relationships, we’re rom-coms and thinking we can’t exist outside of another. And I know, one of the most powerful energies in the universe is people, together. But there’s also beauty beyond words in a life unchaperoned. When you stand out in the world, at bliss in your oneness, you evolve.

Every Monday, I am greeted by smiling faces, with the ritual “what did you do with your weekend, teacher?” After telling them, the recurrent answer is “you’re so brave, teacher”. But I’m not brave; I’m restless. How could I ever rest in a world where who and what we can be, is not even invented yet? How can I rest knowing that I can do or be absolutely anything in the universe? And I refuse to lie dormant because others don’t want to join. We infinitely limit ourselves with the belief that life begins with another. Life begins, first and foremost, the moment we tune in to it. When you realize that your life isn’t accident or coincidence, you start to live better. What happens to you, where you go, what you do; it’s all on you. So why are we all overflowing with fear?

Why don’t we sit at a table for one and smile, instead of pretending we’re waiting for someone or putting our head down? Why can’t we be as excited to say we’re single as we are to say we’re engaged? Why can’t we stand up and be the badasses of our own lives, without waiting for someone to rescue us? Because what we’re not told, what’s not in the fairytales, is that nobody is. Nobody’s coming in on a white horse. We’ve got to ride it out ourselves. We’re teaching women everywhere that their importance relies on a question, on a “will you be my girlfriend?”, a “will you be my wife?”. You don’t need someone to be someone. But we’re implanting this fear of solitude to keep people rooted in never pursuing their power. Fear is what keeps us immobilized in ordinary. You need to welcome fear. You need to seize seclusion.

And I’m not a cynic. Life was made from love and was made to be lived in it. But the reality is, you can only meet people as deeply as you’ve met yourself. When you fill your time with you, solo, the time then spent with others transcends everything you’ve known- when you’re better, your relationships will be too. We need to know we can live outside the lines. We need to stop clasping on to the detrimental and the entrapping, just to have somebody by your side. Stop fearing oneness. Ask for a table for one; and own it. Buy yourself flowers. Book a flight with one seat. Dive into the part of yourself, the world told you doesn’t exist. And just see, first-hand, the level of enchantment that comes to fruition with your evolution.

The Safety Trap.

I’ve never been ballsy. I never crossed the road without the green man. I wouldn’t walk on street cracks or over four drains. I never looked at a magpie without dreading the bad luck they bring. Like so many people, I was comfortable. Always chasing safe. We’ve become so good at walls and barriers in the illusion of safety. But the walls and the barriers don’t keep danger away; they keep life away. Your transformation won’t come if you choose to stay in your cocoon. Things don’t change until we do.

So I had to change. Because I wasn’t made for a life of fear, a life of watching where I walk, a life of looking down and not looking at the sky. I wasn’t made for not knowing freedom. I was made for leaping into life and all her magic. So I jumped on a plane (a few actually, including stopovers), out in the world, solo. People always talk about ‘safety in numbers’ and yeah, sometimes it’s necessary, but nothing in the world compares to living your freedom and knowing it’s scary but you’re out here and you’re doing it. I’ve surprised myself a lot in the past week; venturing past the limits of the barriers I created. I checked into a hotel without nobody’s hand to hold but mine. I wandered into the desert in Dubai, completely on my own with a man I’ve never met. I took the handle bars of a quad, when I’ve only known being a passenger. I drifted around the hustle and bustle of the streets of Phnom Penh, my new home for the next few months. I’ve spent a lot of time on my own, out in the unknown doing things deemed unsafe. But I’m in a place I’ve never been before, doing things I’ve never done, feeling things I’ve never felt; my freedom is here in the flesh. I’m on a new level of life, that only came from releasing myself from the safety net I was captured in.

I met a woman on the first flight and we talked about life. She spoke of her small ‘safe’ town up North. This ‘safe’ town that tossed her out on the streets in her time of need. This ‘safe’ town that she was raped in. Safety is an illusion to keep you blind from being alive. We all want to be safe but no matter how any layers of bubble-wrap you cover yourself in, it’s never guaranteed. So you might as well make the jump from comfortable to where you actually want to be, despite the danger. Life was never made to be straight and narrow. It was meant to be wild and open to wherever you wanted to take it. You can walk through life with your eyes closed to the dark but you need to accept that you’re closing your eyes on the light too. Life in comfortable, is accepting a medium level of life. And if that’s all you want then yeah cool, enjoy it but there is so much world out there, so much life that you don’t know what you’re wasting.

I can stand up and say that I actively chose my life. And I can say that I would do it a hundred times over. The path has been mucky and uneasy sometimes but I don’t regret a single thing that has led me to liberation. Because this feeling; of release, of power is the compass leading me in the direction of my soul. I’m proud of the person I’ve become because I had to fight to become her. I had to be the least independent person, anchored down by the weight of her fear to unravel the layers of my cocoon, so I could fly openly into the arms of freedom.  Out into the beautiful world of unsafe.

Standing at the Surface

Today I woke up and smiled. My day had just been born- nothing had happened yet but I smiled. It was different; it was the kind of smile that felt fluid. I felt it flowing through my mind, washing my crown to my root, and soaking my soul. Why? Because everyday life finds new ways for me to fall in love with her. I’m so humbled that someone in the sky, be it God, angels or energy, let this be my life. But this overwhelming gratitude only rose to the surface when I did. I started apologizing less and becoming more of what I wanted to be. When I think of two year ago me or even six month ago me, the word “shrunk” is not far behind. A shrunken version of myself, consistently striving for validation and petrified of ever appearing anyway dissimilar to the crowd. But I was never made for the multitude. And I had to fail in trying before I could find peace in stumbling down the untravelled path.  I’m wired differently, and honestly that’s okay for me now. But the more I stand up in harmony with myself, the more universe applauds me for doing so.

The neglected reality for a lot of people is they don’t know how to be comfortable with themselves because they’ve never been taught to. We’ve become a generation of comparison and, honestly, it’s destroying us. We’re all on a quest for originality while copying and pasting the lives of others into ours. We’re compromising ourselves to fit in but that fitting in is inevitably shrinking. Shrinking all the weird and wonderful aspects of ourselves that make us who we are. For a long time I was so afraid of my mind and I tried with everything inside me to conceal it. But even if you’re the greatest fighter in the world, you can’t fight what you are- when you go head to head with your soul, you can’t win because a soul doesn’t have an ego to fall victim to. There wasn’t one moment of miracle, of epiphany. One by one, I removed a bar off my cage and before I knew it I had transformed to freedom.

I presented myself apologetically to the world. And then the weirdest thing happened. The world presented all the people, all the things I needed. There was a moment of clarity where the white noise faded away and the calm set in. I expected to face critique but knew it wouldn’t break me, for I had detoxed myself from the validation that once ran through my veins. The world didn’t boo me, it stood with me, cheering. A movement of powerful people and events made their way into my life. And the ones who didn’t stand, were the ones that couldn’t; the ones that were crippled with not listening to their life purpose. You soul speaks a language that only you can understand- you just have to actually listen. I’ve wanted to make a difference in the world ever since I realized it needed it. I would never have the ability to do so if I remained cocooned. I am making a distinct imprint on the world because I am the driver of my life.

I’ve come to a point where I feel like I’m sitting on top of the mountain after conquering it. I’m done with masking, and fear and just not embracing my mind and my purpose. I have something within me that nobody else does. Everybody does. There is an omnipresent magic in the universe, in that it is within all of us. It is exclusive, however, because it’s never made of the same material. When you rise to the surface, life and all the people in it reward you. Life wants to be lived, demands it. So I don’t mind if I’m not for everyone. I don’t mind if my life isn’t one of conventional methods. I don’t mind if I speak in energy and live with soul because I’ve never been so in control. I’m excited to be alive everyday. I don’t regret anything that brought me to the here and now because I am living vividly, standing at ease with my self.

 

 

Free are the Brave

There’s been a significant shift in my manifestations in recent times. I had spent so many weeks in the waiting place of my life, that it was starting to feel like home. Life was happening but I wasn’t. I was begging the universe for results and coming up empty handed over and over. But the universe will only take you to the outskirts of where you want to go; you have to find the destination within and for yourself. All the universe was conspiring to tell me that the bricks of the path I followed were paved for someone else. There’s only so long that you can be passive in your life before you start to realise you’re dying. The universe wasn’t giving me what I wanted because I wasn’t doing what I wanted. It was time for me to get off the bench and start-over at the forefront of my life.

I left an institution that was a catalyst to my soul’s destruction. I evaluated and took action. I finally listened to the voice inside me and seen she had been crying out all along. I trusted her to take me wherever it was the universe was leading. And the thing is all the obstacles, all the complications, frustrations, and setbacks all dissolve when you decide to hold the power of your life in your palms. When you become an active participant in your life beautiful things unfold and you start to too. Life is a masterpiece but to truly live- that is art in it’s purest form. And honestly, loving myself enough to be brave and follow my spirit is day by day designing the life that were merely clouds in my head at that awkward, in-between.

There’s a common misconception between freedom and happiness. Everyone wants “happiness” but they’re unresolved in its meaning. There will always be happiness. We breathe it in daily. But just like the air we breathe in, it must also be exhaled. That doesn’t decrease its value. Freedom is the compilation of those moments to the point of complete fresh air. Freedom is being happy in the downcast and the knowledge that all will become right. Freedom is forgetting its Monday morning because it feels like Saturday night. Freedom is knowing yourself, loving yourself, trusting, and backing yourself. Freedom is jumping into life and understanding she has a trampoline waiting for you at the bottom.

Your life begins when you are bold enough to be brave in the execution.

 

The Beginning of New

Being a water sign, it’s hard for my eyes to not fill with emotion as I stand under the world ready for the beginning of the new orbit. This day overwhelms me and so it’s difficult to join the dots of my mind, to form a picture that makes sense. I’ve never had a ‘bad year’; and not in the way that all the moments that formed my 365 were all void of obstacles because the objects the universe left in the way of my path led me onto my true one, but since tuning in to the frequency of my soul, I have learned to deflect my focus to design the year; the life I desire. This year has taken me to a lot of places, a lot of thoughts I’m thankful for, and a lot of magic moments. But above all, it has taken me to a place, within myself, where I have listened to my spirit and am now fluent in the language it speaks. I have become attentive to the universe around me but also to the universe within me. And because of this awareness, my life is my new favourite colour. My life is the book I’ve been waiting to read. My soul is the pilot of the places I’ve been and the places I’ll go, the things I’ve done and all the things left to do.

There are countless people stumbling on, down the course they believe has been mapped out for them since childhood. The reality is, there is no map. We’re all just fumbling around, in a whirlwind of confusion, trying to find the ‘right’ way. Only when the exterior becomes a mumble in the distance and the voice on the inside is all that remains, will we get to where we’re meant to be; only then, will we be going the ‘right’ way. You need to hear your soul song, and sing it. Open your eye to the universe unfolding within you. And around you. Your thoughts are the paintbrushes that decorate your life’s canvas. And this year, this life can be so much more than a map. You can follow your self to a place, a place that remains undiscovered by any atlas. Follow your soul. Let the universes take you blindfolded into the unknown.

 

I hope this year you travel; travel into yourself so much that you become your favourite destination. I hope you learn a new language; the language that your soul speaks- and that you speak it so fluently and naturally that you never utter the words of the outside world. I hope you find love; find love in the all the parts of yourself that you never have before. I hope you find your soulmate; a soulmate in the universe and full faith that she will always take you to the the life you’re meant for. I hope your year is so full of transformation. I hope you are all happy and healthy with hearts brimming.

I hope this is the beginning of you.

Don’t watch where you’re Walking.

After those first few toddler-wobbles, our feet are quite reliable in their methodical movement. So don’t watch your walk; your feet will take you where you need to go without supervision. Don’t walk looking down. Because you will bump into things. But, principally, when you’re ground-watching you miss the sky, the trees; life and all the beauty layered within it. Things happen when you look up to life. Whether the sun’s glowing or the rain’s rinsing you skin, look up and see. See life. Life isn’t something that is done to us, it’s not a punishment or a chore. Life is happening to all of us; in 7 billion different ways. If that doesn’t make you feel alive, then you don’t understand the feeling. I know people that have lived fifty years and haven’t been alive for a minute of them.

There’s a distinction between looking up and looking forward. Looking forward is the easy part; we all do it. “Tomorrow I will go”, “in five years I will be”, “the day I die”. We live our lives as forward-facing lists. And we’re so obsessed with the terminal that the view on the way passes us by. I’m guilty too, I’m not saying I’m not. The foundation visions boards I made, had no vision. And I examine them from time to time, to reminisce, some things attained, some not even close. That’s besides the point, because I am so indebted to that which elapsed me- life knew what I needed and knew it wasn’t that- but the whole process of becoming and being was all born from this. I started to open my mind to the fact that when I open my mind to what life can be, it starts to be. This is what being alive feels like- it’s fire, and dancing, and art, and magic. It’s having vision to a new world that you once wore blinkers in. Life transcands what we want to cross off our list of forwards. When you look up, you notice the periphery. And sometimes the sidelines contain more life than the straight. Everyone is living different lives and all have individual guidelines of what that should be but no amount of guidelines and instructions can bring you the life you’re meant for. Many times, taking a moment to pause, right where you are, to look up can be ten times more advantageous than the steps taken to go forward. Plans can often be pencil not permanent.

Be alive, in every way and go where your soul leads you,

it always knows the way.

An alarm wasn’t set. There was no path carved in stone. Sometimes you need to forget the to-do list and just be. I knew I was going to open my eyes today and flow with the day; whatever came, I would let it. And I’m strolling down the road, watching the shades of my mind make art- I’m feeling good and thinking better. And of course I probably should have been a little more tuned into reality as I try to cross the road. A tiny step off the path after proceeding to the wrong green light and there’s a horn beeping and a man cursing. So, naturally, there’s a little part of myself consenting his curses as accurate. And then I have the moment. The moment I live for- that one second of transformation that you assess a situation and simply choose to disagree. Anything can change in a second.

That man, whoever he is, fell victim to the dynamic second. Yes, I was at fault but he let one second defeat him. He threw hate into the world and because of that he’s probably somewhere cursing the road for him being late, cursing the woman in a shop slowing him down, cursing the universe for this shit-show of a day he’s having. That’s not on me. That’s on him. He didn’t create the situation but he produced the reaction. Hate is magnetic and once it’s released, it will keep attracting forces to multiply, to intensify, to feed off you. When you go head to head with hate, not only will you lose but there will be no winners. The hate you emit in the atmosphere will be breathed in by someone in the proximity (like I could have today) and domino until the whole day has been poisoned, and eventually until a whole society is.

It never registers with us how casual and mainstream hate can become. It’s everywhere, disguised as ‘the way it is’. One of the sole reasons I have memories on Facebook is to look back on the person I was and be overcome with gratitude that I’m not there anymore. Every status, every update was another complaint with my life. There’s a reason the things, the feelings I hadn’t wanted kept resurfacing; I was throwing them at myself. The energy I was presenting to the universe was tainted and so everything the universe gave me, would be just that. I was so absorbed with hate that I forgot that falling in love with life is always an option. When you fall in love with the intricate details of your life, and the entirety of what you are, there isn’t much room for hate to occupy. I have grown away from hate. I have grown from love. I will not throw hate into a world that has more than enough. Instead I will always seek to be the colour in a black and white world. It doesn’t need to be hate vs love, or good vs evil, or you vs me, or us vs them. Making life a battle gives the negative an advantage. We’re all here, wherever here is for us, and instead of adding bricks to someone’s burden, just give love and be love. Change one thought everyday when that testing ‘one second moment’ materializes. Things can wrong in a second.

But they can also go very right.

 

 

 

We weren’t old then, sure look at us now.

When does old begin?

When does the whisper of death, that was once a haze in the distance, become a scream a few inches from your face?

This isn’t as morbid as it sounds (I promise), it’s actually quite positive, if you stick with me.

There are a few colossal themes that dictate our obsessions and anxieties; death, money; time. Quite basically- it all comes down to numbers; the number of days left, the location of the zero-before or after- the other numbers in an account, number of minutes in a day, number of days in a life. We’ve become so accustomed to counting that we’re actually rather good at it. But where the struggle seeps in is the actually making days count. Time flies and it rolls onto the next but it never just happens. We post throwbacks longer than we spent living and enjoying the moment we were in. We tirelessly fantasize the future, without ever sculpting it from the present. We’re not so good at the here and now. There always needs to be a larger thought process in which we are in the middle of.

What is the actual point of photos? And, who are they for? I, personally, hoard photos and every single time that little “your storage is full” bullshit message pops up I can’t bear to part with the photos that are looked at, less than three times in any given month. The moment loses value, the moment reliving takes priority over living. You can’t relive life and if you do it properly, you shouldn’t need to.

My nanny inspired this thought earlier when we were sharing stories and laughs. Talking about the ‘old days’ and she said “we weren’t old then, sure look at us now”. And it hit home for me because you never know when your time of putting dents in the dance-floor, becomes your time of watching from the sidelines. They didn’t have phones- and they didn’t need them… They were living. And the reliving is only possible because the living was.

The message of this is not anti-phone (as we are the scrolling thumb generation) but pro-live and predominately, pro-living-well. Don’t spend your time, as doing so presumes the immediate relinquishing of it. But soak up your time. Soak in every second and Continue reading “We weren’t old then, sure look at us now.”

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